Moving Beyond the Darkness
by Downtonluvr
Summary: Addressing a missing scene from Series 5 Episode 6. Following the discussion that John and Anna have in the cottage regarding his involvement in the murder of Mr. Green, they still have secrets and understandings that have yet to be discussed.


**_A/N: This was in response to a scene that wasn't addressed following the cottage scene in Series 5 Episode 6. *Spoiler alert* I can only hope that Mary's package that was found in the cottage will end up in the American airing of Downton Abbey in January. But if not maybe it will be addressed in the script books whenever those are released. I just felt like there was more to be discussed between Anna and Bates, other than his innocence regarding the murder of Mr. Green. I hope you all enjoy. Please review._**

**_Moving Beyond the Darkness_**

The happiness she spoke of earlier as she caressed his cheek and kissed his hands in the sitting room seemed to have faded. The coolness of the night had begun to settle around them. They both seemed more relaxed now; the air having been cleared between the two of them. Well most of it. Now it seemed that something else still stood between them and the two of them laid peacefully in the dark; but still wide awake as they played the conversation over between them in their heads. John heard her sniffling in the dark and her body started to tremble as a small cry escaped her. "Anna?" John asked as he laid his hand on her back. She was so caught up in her emotions that she couldn't even respond to him, he reached out to her with his large hands and pulled her closer to him and squeezed her tightly, but she only cried harder. "What is it love?" John inquired as he pressed his lips to her shoulder blade.

Anna shook her head in response and managed to say between cries, "It's nothing."

John had to half chuckle. Who did she think she was fooling? "It can't be nothing, if it's upset you this much," he reasoned. John slowly turned her to face him, but her eyes avoided his. She stared down at the small pile of sheets that lay between them. "Anna, please tell me. Let's not have anymore secrets between us, my darling." John stroked her cheek and wiped the small tear from her face with the pad of his thumb.

"I was just thinking...I feel so horribly for having let you thought I didn't want your children. You must have felt so betrayed."

"Anna, I don't mind if we don't have children. I do want them of course, but the thought of having children had never entered my mind until I met you," he assured her. "Then this whole thing with…" he daren't say that snake's name. "The attack you experienced, I wasn't even sure we'd ever make it back to the level of intimacy we shared before it happened. If you had never wanted to make love again, I would have been more than happy just to have you by my side each night as I fell asleep. I could never have asked of you to provide me with a child when I knew you had to heal first."

Hot tears of sweet relief trailed down her face and she managed to smile back at him; knowing that no matter how hard she tried, she could have never found a better husband.

"You are always going to be my first priority," he added. "If you don't want children that is fine too, but I don't care to be lied to about it."

"That's just it though," she blurted out and cut him off. "I do want your children, John. I want them so badly it hurts."

Even in the dim light of their cottage he could see the pained expression on her face and knew her words to be genuine and true.

"I have longed for it since before we were made man and wife. I wanted it when you were taken from me to serve out a lifetime in prison, if only so I could have a piece of you to help me carry on. I wanted it when you returned to me to remind me that we had put all of the dark days behind us. And it's what I still want...what I need."

"Then why have that book and that god forsaken device?"

"It's not mine," she said with a shrug.

"So you've said," John replied and paused for a moment. "Then whose?"

"I was sworn to secrecy. I couldn't tell you," Anna answered back.

John lay quietly there, he was about to speak, but refrained from pushing her further. If there was one thing John was certain of it was that his wife never lied to him. Or at least she had never lied to him until that fateful night with Mr. Green. But even then, recognized she had done it for his own good. She had wanted to protect him; protect them both from a fate where they were both separated from one another yet again. But they had both agreed there would be no more secrets between them. So perhaps there was some truth to this. He hated that he couldn't be sure anymore, but he didn't want to put doubt into his wife's mind that he couldn't believe in her anymore. "Anna...please," he pleaded with her.

Anna took a deep breath and came to the conclusion that she wouldn't allow another of Lady Mary's decisions to interfere with her life. "If I tell you, you must promise me you will not breathe a word of this to anyone else," she said.

"I promise."

"And once I have told you we will never speak of it again," she laid out her conditions.

"Absolutely," he replied without hesitation.

Anna still contemplated what she was about to do. But if she couldn't trust her husband, who could she trust? Surely he would understand, having been a valet to Robert. Both of their jobs carried similar conditions and terms. "Do you remember how Lady Mary went off to London and I stayed behind for that week?"

"Yes," he replied. John had thought it rather odd that Lady Mary who couldn't seem to function otherwise, without his wife present suddenly had decided she could fend for herself for a week long period. But they had never discussed it further at the time. They had both taken advantage of Lady Mary's absence to spend their free time in other ways.

"Do you remember how when she came back you caught me in the hallway putting something into my jacket?"

"Yes," he replied slowly, while drawing out the syllables and nodding his head in agreement.

"She-" Anna didn't even know how to say the rest without cringing with embarrassment.

"Oh God!" John exclaimed. "She is-Mary is she?"

Anna silently nodded her head in a 'yes' motion. A part of her wanted to laugh out loud at the whole misunderstanding, but the fact was she had allowed this whole arrangement to put yet another cloud of doubt over his head. It killed her to know that this was happening again. How had their relationship that had once been built on friendship and such openness suddenly become so shrouded in lies and secret?

"But, why? Why would she ask you to keep it for her?"

"I suppose she thought the likelihood of it being discovered in our cottage and putting a stain on her reputation was less plausible," Anna replied.

"So instead she'd rather risk putting a stain on yours," John replied. But it wasn't a question. No. This time he seemed furious, but not with her. He was angry with Mary. She should have known. He had always been so concerned with her reputation and welfare, it was the reason he had refused her offer to be his mistress all those years ago.

"I don't think she thought that was a possibility seeing as how I'm married."

"Well, thank God for that," he uttered.

Anna laid there staring back at him, wondering where they go from there. "Maybe it's a blessing we didn't have a child," Anna replied, though the words cut at her heart even as she said them.

"How can you say that?"

"We've spent so much time apart and we can't seem to escape the veil of shadows that loom over us. And now-" her voice cracked as it trailed off. She began to cry again.

"Now what?" John replied as he attempted to comfort her.

"Now it seems that I may be the key to your undoing," Anna wailed as she threw her tear stained face into his chest.

"What's all this about?" John asked as he cradled her head like a child. His large hands began rubbing soothing circles into her back and stroked her arms. Her breathing was erratic and she couldn't seem to calm down, so much that it scared him. John tried to shush her and get her to breath in and out like he said. "Anna, darling, I can't fix it if you don't tell me."

"You can't fix it anyway. It is I who ruined things. I chose to be friends with Mr. Green. I didn't listen to your warnings. I went downstairs on my own and I chose to keep the attack a secret from you. And today I learn that I gave away the coat that held the one piece of evidence that could absolve you of any wrong doing. I couldn't bear to see you taken from me again John. I can't live without you. It was the whole reason I kept Mr. Green a secret, I didn't want to risk losing you." Anna paused to catch her breath, and John took the opportunity to put her fears to rest.

"I may not be able to fix it, but I wont allow you to go on thinking you have played the role of judge and executioner in the trial of John Bates. You didn't make me buy that ticket and you didn't make me go to York. You didn't ask for any of this to happen to you," he said as he cupped her cheeks. Her hand came to rest on top of his and held it closer to her face, if that were possible. "I still love you Anna May Bates. You have always been the solution in my life, never the problem. One of these days, when this is all behind us and we are laying here utterly exhausted from tending to our children, I will love you even more. I will long for the days when I was able to whisper to you in the dark uninterrupted."

Anna laughed and smiled back at him. She lifted her head and wiped at the damp spot on his chest that had resulted from her crying on his shoulder. "We may not know what the future holds for us, but if I've learned one thing in all the time I've known you, it's that I don't want to waste a second more waiting for the other shoe to drop. And what I want to do is make love to you tonight."

"You're sure?"

"More than sure," she replied as her hands eagerly travelled down his sides and began to lift his undershirt over his head. When she successfully got the shirt over his head, his hair flopped back in place and he smiled at her boyishly in a way she hadn't seen in years. "If we are going to have _all_ of our children running us ragged, we had better start getting to work now," she said with a wicked grin before placing a kiss on the tip of his nose. Within a few seconds they were both completely naked, righting the wrongs of the past as they reaffirmed their love for one another in the most passionate way. All the cards had been laid out on the table, there were no more secrets to keep them apart, they were both innocent and they celebrated their new found freedom as they lost themselves in one anothers embrace.


End file.
